In thinking about what I was going to write on The Blended Blog this week, I decided to deviate from my usual fashion-stuff - and gather-up the courage to share something deeply personal - in hopes that it gives others a better understanding of me and more importantly to possibly help someone out there who is struggling.

In thinking about the prompt “THE LOOK OF LOVE” what I thought about is “FORGIVENESS”.  In the noted scripture (heard so many times at weddings) -  “Love is patient, love is kind, it does not boast,… and it keeps no record of wrongs…”  — Keeps no record of wrongs…

So, my story of forgiveness…

Almost two years ago, I received a voicemail from the hospital telling me my father was in a coma in the Neuro ICU.  My first thought was - they must have the wrong person. They never mentioned my dad’s name in the message - and the last time I talked to my dad, he was perfectly fine.  I called the hospital back, expecting to find-out that they had the wrong person. I was sure (hoping) they just connected with the wrong person, and left this gut-dropping message on my phone by mistake.

I soon realized - they had the right person - and it was indeed my dad in a coma.  A flood of thoughts and adrenaline kicked in at that moment.  I made it to the hospital, and as I walked into my dad’s hospital room, my first thought was — that person hooked-up to the ventilator - lying helpless in the bed - could not be my dad.  It could not be.  And, my next thought was — and, this is the woman my dad left me for.

You see - 25 years earlier on one un-expecting day when I was 15 years old,  my dad walked into my room, and told me he was leaving.  Not just leaving to go to work - but leaving for good.  He had met someone — someone only five years older than me and half his age — and he was leaving us to be with her.  He packed up his bags that day - walked out - and my life changed.

His decision changed a lot of things.  From that moment on, his life was hidden from me.  He did not share where he was living - or introduce me to the woman he was with.  And because of this, I would never spend another birthday, Christmas, or holiday with him.  We talked - but it was at a safe distance - away from his personal life. 

That moment in the hospital I was overwhelmed by my dad in an unresponsive state.  I was being hit by a tidal wave of emotions, thoughts, and unknowns.  I was wondering if dad was going to “wake-up” - and if I would ever talk to him again - and if he would recover.  And, I was trying to make sense of this woman that caused me to lose my dad 25 years earlier. 

My dad’s decisions to leave caused me a lot of pain - and he never gave me the opportunity to understand what all happened - why he made the choices he made - and why he never made it right with me.

Through it all though,  I never stopped loving my dad.  I always loved him.  Even with the pain, he was still my dad - the dad I grew up playing endless hours of basketball with and going for a run with… the dad who drove me to school each day.   He was my father - and I would always love him.

My dad never come back… he never regained consciousness…

I probably will never be able to make sense of his decisions and why he did what he did - and how he left such a mess of his life - even after his death… but…

…LOVE is being able to accept and forgive those who hurt us - even if they cause excruciating pain. 

Although, I have endured more than I ever thought imaginable.  And, at the heart of it - there has had to be forgiveness.  I have had to learn to forgive my dad over and over - many times.  Each thing I have uncovered and had to fight for since his death, has been a process of forgiveness. He may have left many unanswered questions, but he was my dad.  And, I loved him... And, I forgive him…

…and, I work at keeping no record of wrongs. 

To me that is what “Love is…” Love is more than happy red hearts - it is having the heart to go-on loving someone even when…

…they hurt us.